


After The War

by faeryn



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Angst, Avengers: Infinity War Part 1 (Movie) Spoilers, Grief/Mourning, Infinity War spoilers, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-01
Updated: 2018-05-01
Packaged: 2019-04-30 20:51:08
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,212
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14505237
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/faeryn/pseuds/faeryn
Summary: Dealing with the post-war feelings, or not.Full summary & tags in END NOTES so as not to spoil fans who haven’t seen the movie.





	After The War

**Author's Note:**

> End notes are SPOILER tags and marginally more specific summary. 
> 
> This is not a happy fic, bring tissues.

“Steve…?”

That single word ran through Steve’s head as he numbly sat down on the bed in his room in the Avengers Facility. He had been invited to stay in Wakanda for the time being, but all he had wanted to do was go home. _Home_. Even then, he couldn’t bring himself to. The tiny apartment he’d been sharing with Sam wasn’t really a home, just another place to lay low for a while, but it had almost felt that way. They’d missed Bucky, of course, but the ache had been bearable. Now?

He knuckled at his chest absently, the way he had before the serum when his asthma played up ‘cause of the damp. They hadn’t even found a body for Sam, could only assume he’d simply… dissolved the same way Bucky did. Steve felt like he ought to be crying, but all he could feel was emptiness; a hole in his heart where Sam and Bucky had been.

They’d been hurt when Bucky decided to go into cryo in Wakanda. Surprised when he video called them to let them know he was out, he was okay, but still not ready to come and be a fugitive again with them. They understood. There was reasoning and explanation behind it. Mostly they were just grateful to know he was alive and missing them.

What was going to happen now? Half the population… And Steve couldn’t even grieve for the two he’d loved the most. Tony was MIA, though a frantic message from Pepper had implied he was somewhere out in space. Steve could only hope he hadn’t vanished too. They’d lost enough friends. Who was left? He felt responsible, like he should have been able to stop Thanos. He knew he should at least turn on the tv, that he owed it to the people he failed to watch the news. But his body refused to move.

“Steve…?”

That one word ran through his head again and again. Watching Bucky dissolve into thin air like that was even worse than seeing him fall from the train. At least the first time he’d lost Bucky they’d had a fighting chance, but against Thanos it had only been a matter of time - and time was something Thanos had in infinite, hah, supply.

Bucky’s blue eyes had been so full of confusion as he tumbled to the ground. Steve hadn’t even had time to hold him, to tell him how much he loved him, to say goodbye. He hadn’t even _seen_ Sam, and that somehow hurt more. Knowing Sam died alone, apart from everyone else, just as confused but with no reassurance that everyone else was feeling the same thing.

Something hot fell on his hand as it lay limply in his lap, drawing his attention for the first time away from staring vacantly at the wall ahead of him. He realised it was a tear. He was crying. His body was grieving even if his brain didn’t yet comprehend, didn’t want to process it all. So many lives lost, because they - _he_ \- had failed.

A strangled sob clawed its way up his throat and out into the silence of the room. It startled him, sounded so unearthly he wouldn’t have believed it came from him if he hadn’t known he was the only one there. Oh Nat was around somewhere, he knew, but like him she had retreated to her own space to mourn in her own way. He could only assume they all had, those who were left. Steve had flown back to the compound by muscle memory and sheer luck, hadn’t even realized Nat was with him until they stepped off the ‘jet and she was there beside him. Mute, the way he was, her eyes his only indication that she was feeling the same.

“Steve…?”

Round and around it went in his head, echoing and pushing out thoughts of anything else. Bucky and Sam. Sam and Bucky. He’d been alone once, when he woke up from the ice. Even once he had the Avengers he’d still been alone. But then there was Sam. Beautiful, wonderful Sam. Telling him he would follow him. Then, later, whispering adoring words into his ear as their bodies moved together in the dark. Steve knew he should have seen it coming, but he didn’t. He fell hard and fast for this magnificent man who knew he loved Bucky too, but followed him, loved him, anyway.

He had been sure it would end when they found Bucky. Steve didn’t know if he could love them both and be with only one. And Sam was sure Bucky would take over. But despite some initial misgivings they, too, saw the best in each other. And so Steve had everything he could ever want. The two people he loved most in the world, and they loved each other just as strongly. What more could he have asked for?

The tears and sobs were coming thick and fast now as he travelled through his memories. His vision so blurred by tears that he couldn’t have seen a threat if it walked into the room with a gun pointed at his head. Not that he would have cared if it did. They’d had _plans_. When everything blew over, when Stark calmed down and the government stopped treating them like criminals they were going to come home. Get their own place, one with a giant bed. Maybe a dog or a cat, or both. Be _normal_ for a while. Well, at least as normal as two pushing-100 super-soldiers and a guy who willingly strapped metal wings to his back could get.

They would never have that now. Bucky and Sam were _gone_. Dissolved into nothingness by a mad, delusional Titan who thought he was fixing the universe. He’d told Vision that they don’t trade lives, but for the first time he wished that he had. If they had just destroyed the stone then so many lives would have been saved. T’challa. Wanda. The tree guy, Groot. He couldn’t even think of who else. He tried to picture his friends in his mind but all he could see was Bucky’s perplexed face before he fell into a pile of dust. Sam’s face, smiling when they saw Bucky when they landed in Wakanda. That was all he had left of them now.

They lost. They _lost_. And there was no going back. No magic spell that would bring everyone back. Not even any Infinity Stones they could find and use to that end; Thanos had them all. They lost the fight, and he lost _everything_.

“I love you…”

He whispered to the air, his breath ragged from crying. He knew they wouldn’t hear him, could never again hear him, but needing to say it anyway. They hadn’t stood a chance. And Steve needed a goddamn drink more than he had since Bucky fell off that fucking train. But he couldn’t get drunk anymore. So he simply lay down on the bed, curled up, and cried himself to sleep. Hoping for oblivion, but knowing he would see them in his dreams, too. They were gone. Forever. And his heart? Well, that was shattered, and he didn’t know or care if it could ever be repaired again...

**Author's Note:**

> This is just Steve dealing with his feelings after Bucky & Sam died from an OT3 perspective.
> 
> More specific tags are:  
> Grief  
> Mourning   
> Angst  
> Dead Bucky  
> Dead Sam  
> Dead Groot  
> Dead Wanda  
> Dead Vision  
> Dead T’Challa
> 
> I think that’s everything. Sorry, not sorry. I had to work through some things xD


End file.
